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real Basil Fawlty
Towers named 'top TV show of all time'
Fawlty Hotel Soaps
The Mermaid Inn, Rye, East Sussex
Low staff moral
Once upon a time, probably in May, a particularly potent rumour
had spread amongst the staff, that the premises was going up for
sale. Complete with new managementcomplete with a new broom. This
little drop of poison could not be eradicated by by the present
management with any credibility. As time went by, the worst appeared
to be a foregone conclusion, especially when later in the year,
"For Sale" signs appeared around the building.
Every year since time immemorial, the staff enjoyed a New
Years Party, sometime in January. But this time it promised to be
a more sombre event. Sold signs had just been put in place. During
the party, the present owner stood up and made a light hearted speech,
announcing that the premises had indeed been sold, and he was delighted
to hear that it was going for £6,500,000, and that there was
to be no redundancies, as expected, but there was to be some re-allocation
of job titles, salaries and consequent duties. It was also to be
of great pleasure to him to introduce the new owner and staff of
the Inn to to re-allocate these duties. In walks Manuel and I, with
a large 7 foot long cheque for £6,500,000.
There's nothing like making an entrance!
Fawlty Hotel Soaps
The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank
you, S. B.
Dear room 635, I
am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way
and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change
your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management requires me to do. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, relief maid.
- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not
tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.
When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3
little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going
to be here in the hotel for 2 weeks and have brought my own bath-sized
Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf.
They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth etc. Please remove
them. S. B.
Dear Mr. B. My
day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed to by the management. I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where
your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you
did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me
know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty.
Dear Mr. B.
The assistant manager, Mr. K, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with the maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extention 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. E.C.
Dear Mrs. C.
It is impossible to contact you
by phone because I leave the hotel for business at 7.45AM and don't
get back before 5.30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr K. last
night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr K. if he could
do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned
to me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left
another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her
regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days
here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing
this to me? S.B.
Bear Mr B.
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to
your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, E.C.
Dear Mr. K. My
bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had
to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S.B.
Dear Mr. B.
I have informed our housekeeper, E. C. of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our
maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service
a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept
my apologies for the inconvenience. M.L.K. Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. C. Who
the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
of Camay. I want my own damn bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have
54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please
give me back my bath-size Dial. S.B.
Dear Mr. B.
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. K that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and
the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this
hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room. E.C. Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. C
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date
on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet: 18
Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser: 11 Camay in 2
stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser: 1 stack of 3 Cashmere
Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of
- Inside medicine cabinet: 14 Camay in
3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish: 6 Camay, very
- On northeast corner of tub: 1 cashmere
Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub: 6 Camays
in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my
room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also,
please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to
tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and
will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more
item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial, which I am
keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.